Kobalts problem page (your problems solved...*terms and conditions apply)


Dear Kobalt
Ive been seeing this guy now for two years on an off, everythings ok but sometimes I feel his attention is... elsewhere.
He brings me lots of cornfeed and is attentive to most of my needs, but the problem is Ive noticed him flirting with one of the other gals a few cages up from me. Im not the possessive type but when I mention it to him he says 'your paranoid'!
I know somethings going on and the other gals have started to poke fun. Any advice would be appriecated.
Yours Faithfully, Susan Chicken cage 124,the paddock,wiltshire.


Well susan, we've got a live one here! It sounds to me as if your insecurities could be founded upon slight paranoia or based in reality. I think the tone of your letter denotes an element of fear...for the future, but not to worry. My advice is to confront the gentleman concerned over a romantic dinner...or perhaps go for a weekend away. As for the other gal, you need to set limitations and boundaries, let her know that you know that she knows, if you get me. Ohh and by the way I think this is the least of your problems.

Hope this helps, Kobalt.

demonic kobalt narrrow 


Dear Kobalt Ive been worshipping the devil now for well on forty years but have recently felt as if Im doing all giving...and ,yes you guessed it, hes doing all the taking. I feel empty inside and lack the fulfilment it used to give me. Only last week I let one of our captives go, my master was not a happy bunny! He's since put me in charge of admin... I dont like it, the people there are sooo bitchy. Can you help?
Kindest regards Dr.Moloch 829 somewhere in a woods near you. FT5 0AX.


Mmm interesting one this. You need to look at the reasons why you joined up in the first place, was it part and parcel of normal family routine or was it free will. Maybe take some time out and look at the pros and cons of your current situation, remember its a lifetime commitment youve made, but its not cast in stone. Have you thought of worshipping one of the lesser demons...say Belphegor, I know he's taking on at the moment at a reduced entrance/initiation fee...and as for those 'bitchy admin' they've got hearts too, treat them to a running buffet or have a team building weekend away. You know it makes sense.


demonic kobalt narrrow 



Last week you advised my friend 'hey if it looks good on you wear it!' he's now in the state correctional facility and has to wear orange...what YOU gonna do about it!


Hey now! I can't talk about individual cases, your friend has made a decision and is now paying the consequences, however I believe he is due for parole in 2042 and wish both him and you all the best for the future.

demonic kobalt narrrow 




Dear Kobalt, Please HELP! Do I buy the red shoes or the green shoes? I've been grappling with this problem for sometime...

From Bi-shoe confused of St.Helens.UK.


Another fashion problem eh? Let's hope my answer is more helpful than the one above! Red or Green...Green or Red, I think it depends on the size of the shoe and for what purpose your going to be using it for? My own favourite is a 'crimson red' colour...it gives off a sweet aroma just when you need it, those long hard days working in the salt mines can be hard on your pinkies and this is something that needs to be addressed. Green can give the wrong impression...at the right time, unless the event is the 'Annual General Meeting of colour blind electricians'. Have you thought of wearing both? Red on the left, Green on the right...however let's not get political here. The two remaining shoes could be put on your hands for when your legs get tired.

Hope this helps-Many thanks to Gok Wan for for taking time out to help with this matter.

demonic kobalt narrrow 




Dear Kobalt, Ive been working in construction for sometime now, my mom wanted me to be a brain surgeon, anyway Ive started working for a company that employs a 'muti' policy, as you will know getting hold of body parts can be a tricky endevour! My boss expects me to do all the stalking and surveillance which can be tiresome after a hard days graft. Also the screams can be unsettling and my partner tells me that Im talking in my sleep.I await your advice.
Name and Address supplied.

Try Ginseng(Panax), it helps with shift work and those long hours, relieving tiredness and stress from the situations you describe in your original uneditted 'for Kobalts problem page' letter. It can also help with stamina and alertness, qualities that we all need! As for talking in your sleep maybe your partners using the old 'bat on the chest' technique described in the Three Books of Occult Philosophy by Henrich Cornelius Agrippa of Nettesheim. I'd watch him or her if this is the case as they are obviously advanced in the 'Arts'...and I a'int talking bout finger painting...if you catch my drift!
*In all cases you should seek medical/psychiatric attention at the earliest possible convienience.


demonic kobalt narrrow 


Dear Kobalt, Ive had this problem now for too long. Everything else, my room, my food, my linen even my chores are all fine an dandy. What it is is this guy keeps staring at me, he doesn't say anything...just stares, most of the time I walk off but when I return he's still in the same spot and staring at ME! My Doctors tell me 'Your being silly' but I know...I KNOW! Ohh thanks for the posters by the way, but I cant put em up cause Ive lost my priviliges for the next three months, due to THAT incident with the vacuum cleaner.
Fratenally Yours
Inmate B1229-O LakeView Clinic, Somewhere out in the sea, on rig so you cant escape. KQ7 3XT (crayons supplied by Joe's Arts and Crafts)



Good to hear from you! Shame about the priviliges...cant help you there!
My advice is to talk to him, describe how your feeling, your concerns, your aspirations, your plans for the future. Try to find some common ground so a relationship can blossom and develop...if he's not upto it move on, but dont give up. Alternatively sit at the other side of the dayroom, at a 45 degree angle...he cant stare at you there, heck I should know! And remember behind every stare is a ravaged mind...keep up the good work.Kobalt




demonic kobalt narrrow 


Dear Kobalt, life here at the research centre has been great. All the cigarettes and lipstick you could ever dream of... Im currently doing 2 packs a day, and modelling the latest European 'It Wont Wash Off' ruby red collection...and I look Fantastic!

My only problem is Ive got a new neighbour, Ralf(my previous neighbour) was great. Kind and considerate, sometimes we'd do lunch, always friendly and willing to lend a hand. Then he just up and left...without a bye or leave! Then this new guy moved in, he's always barking, wolfing down his food and as for personal hygiene...well Ive never seen anyone lick themselves there! The other night I didn't get a wink of sleep, I tried talking to him but he wouldn't listen. Any tips?

Yours: Subject 17B, Beagle Section, Beauty and Addiction Laboratories, Middlesex. Postcode supplied.



Thanks for your letter...GET THE HELL OUTTA THERE!!! ARE YOU CRAZY!!?


demonic kobalt narrrow 




Dear Kobalt,
101010 1011 0111101, 0001 0101010 101010 10101 0000111. 111010 1010 1010, 1010 10101 00010! 1010 110 1010 10101 11110... 10101 0101010 10000011? 1110101 01011 0101 0101, 0101000 0111 1110! 101010 110 101010 00001111 101101 0101010, 1010110 101010?

Well, under the circumstances I think it's best to leave the mouse in its present position and not be too bothered about 10000011 and whether he's becoming sentient. These things can take a while to sort out...but believe me, in the words of the great creator ZX81 '1000111001 110001 1110 11211' Now think about that!